BAVR Eats the Books

I just heard about this yesterday. Sign into Amazon via smile.amazon.com, pick a favorite charity of your choice and then place your order. Amazon will donate a small portion of the sale to said charity.

To all my friends who love trashy historical drama that's really light on the history part:

Yes, I know this has nothing to do with books, but you're my people. Let me tell you about the new crappy TV show I'm watching. 

The CW decided to make a show about Mary, Queen of Scots. That is not a typo. The network that brings us The Vampire Diaries is also making a show about a famous historical figure. 

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After returning home from the hospital, Charlie shares this charming exchange with his daughter:

When we got to the house, Charlie finally spoke.

"Um ... you'll need to call Renee." He hung his head, guilty.

I was appalled. "You told Mom!"

"Sorry."

I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.

You know, if Edward had simply allowed Bella to be crushed by Tyler's van in Chapter 3 ... I wouldn't have to read any more of this book. It would be over. 

Sounds like a fair trade-off to me. 

That's when I noticed the still, white figure. Edward Cullen was leaning against the front door of the Volvo, three cars down from me, and staring intently in my direction.

Guys, I want you to remember this update. These two sentences signify the moment that every book boyfriend became an epic, stalkery douchcanoe. 

After you're dead, that is.

So Bella spends 2 pages bitching about and internally insulting every person who's being nice to her. Eric is "Chess Club Eric." Jessica is desperate for attention. Mike is a "golden retriever," but she can't help but notice that he sits next to a "girl with braces and a bad perm." Her dad can't cook anything but bacon and eggs. Assholes, all of them, according to Bella. 

But then she spies the Cullens at the grocery store ...

** spoiler alert ** 2.5 stars

Beware of GIFs and spoilers!

I don't know why I keep going back to these books. While I may not particularly enjoy all of them, they're like a cup of hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies on a frigid winter day. Comforting but bad for the waistline? I think I lost track of that simile ... 

When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the table to talk to me.

In Bella's mind, even the class bells are annoying bitches. But let's continue breaking down her "friendly" interaction with Eric (AKA - not sexy Edward and therefore NOT WORTHY)...

FFS, she's being so TRAGIC about the rain in Forks. 

I didn't sleep well that night, even after I was done crying. The constant whooshing of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn't fade into the background. I pulled the faded old quilt over my head, and later added the pillow, too. But I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight, when the rain finally settled into a quieter drizzle.

Yes, the sound of rain is simply TOO LOUD for this speshul snowflake. Her ears be delicate and shit. 

When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen - just unavoidable. I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.

I'd forgotten about Bella's penchant for melodrama concerning the most mundane things. Yes, in Forks, there is no sun. Your life is over. Nothing will ever be good again.

With a little more practice repeating these timeless mantras, I'll be a pain-in-the-ass teenager in no time! :D

Maybe I'll read this the way Bella Swan reads.

You know I strive for excellence in all things. >:D

DNF at 33%

Warning: GIFs ahead!

In my time, I've made it through a lot of shitty books. I've descended to Tense Hell with Axel, learned about Remy's semen in Real, met Pimp!Jesus in Room to Breathe, spent time with some of the most awful people ever in On Dublin Street, and tolerated the blindingly anachronistic, formulaic triteness of Avon historical romances. 

But fuck my life, I can't get through City of Bones. 

Of course, Clary realized with a sharp stab of annoyance. Isabelle was exactly Simon's type - tall, glamorous, and beautiful. Come to think of it, maybe that was everyone's type. Clary stopped wondering about the peanut-fish-olive-tomato soup and started wondering what would happen if she dumped the contents of the pot on Isabelle's head.

Because she's prettier than you? o_O I spot a cow!

Links to various Booklikes tutorials around the site. Thanks to all the hardworking BL members and team who contributed. This is a work in progress. More links will be added as I find them.

Official Booklikes stuff:

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/198757/booklikes-community-guidelines

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/9074/dashboard-a-place-where-all-bookish-things-happen

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/64881/add-books-manually-add-missing-book-covers 

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/344083/make-your-wish-on-booklikes

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/100003/booklikes-goodreads-synchronization

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/107813/new-booklikes-giveaways

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/78484/batch-edit-on-your-shelf

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/63815/feature-for-authors-and-twitter-timeline-widget

http://blog.booklikes.com/post/551754/post (exclusive status for your books)

The Booklikes blog (new features added every week):

http://blog.booklikes.com/

The Goodreads Booklikes group:

http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/115105-everything-booklikes

Tutorials created by Booklike members:

Easy tips for customising your Booklikes blog:

http://litchick.booklikes.com/post/185420/post

How to customise your BL blog:

http://j4n3m3.booklikes.com/post/222397/post

Customising Booklikes Tutorials - parts 1 - 4:

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/460791/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-part-1-back-to-basics-how-to-get-started-

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/461046/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-part-2-back-to-basics-adding-a-new-header

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/462371/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-part-3-back-to-basics-main-background-change

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/469207/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-part-4-back-to-basics-moving-follower-buttons-

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/544745/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-part-5-back-to-basics-changing-the-look-of-your-follower-buttons-

'Reactive' links (round links on a 'shelf' page)

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/461024/-reactive-links-round-links-on-your-shelf-page-different-look-for-different-state-of-link-

Adding the Booklikes Reading Challenge to your blog:

http://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/537457/booklikes-reading-challenge-ready-get-set-read-

How to change colour of text on your banner :

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/423482/how-to-change-colour-of-text-on-your-banner

Added pages - I can't read it! My background is dark and font is black! And I want to have a comment section!

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/367393/added-pages-i-can-t-read-it-my-background-is-dark-and-font-is-black-and-i-wan-t-to-have-a-comment-section-

How to make your comments icons a link:

http://j4n3m3.booklikes.com/post/542312/how-to-make-your-comments-icon-a-link

Customising shelf sort order:

http://smckinney.booklikes.com/post/537880/post

Changing appearance of followers/following counters and repositioning them:

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/221446/omg-i-really-want-to-move-change-my-followers-following-counters-because-they-re-on-my-banner-and-that-s-not-pretty-

Adding a scrolling quotes marquee to your blog:

http://themisathena.booklikes.com/post/504828/adding-a-scrolling-quotes-marquee-to-your-blog

How to block followers on Booklikes:

http://brandi.booklikes.com/post/540817/-reblog-how-to-block-followers-on-booklikes

Setting up google analytics on your BL blog:

http://karlynp.booklikes.com/post/547843/blog-tutorial-setting-up-google-analytics

Changing font colour (text, links, comment section):

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/227311/ffffff-get-it-no-nvm-pun-intended-how-to-change-font-colour-text-links-comment-section-the-whole-shebang-

Customising Booklikes tutorial - Adding bells and Whistles - blockquotes

blockquoteshttp://silverthistle.booklikes.com/post/495396/customizing-booklikes-tutorial-adding-bells-and-whistles-blockquotes

How to easily embed a font:

http://lyndi.booklikes.com/post/541633/post

A simple tip - everything is too big - zoom out: 

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/538084/a-simple-tip-everything-is-too-big-zoom-out-

Background for a search bar (what to do when it's invisible on a dark background):

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/227951/background-for-a-search-bar-what-to-do-when-your-background-is-dark-and-search-bar-in-your-menu-have-dissapeared-

Let's clean our designated comments pages regularly - no more notification floods:

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/542208/a-tip-let-s-clean-our-designated-comments-pages-regurarly-no-more-notification-floods-

Reading Challenge - how to post it on your site and a few simple customization options:

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/250271/-reading-challenge-widget-how-to-make-it-appeare-on-your-site-and-some-crude-customization-options-i-m-not-a-miracle-worker-don-t-judge-me-

Your book counter - make it fun and pretty:

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/481197/your-book-counter-make-it-fun-and-pretty-

How to avoid losing the original source of a post:

http://aoife.booklikes.com/post/245008/post-how-to

Notifications:

http://anhec.booklikes.com/post/424188/not-a-tutorial-just-a-tip-about-notifications-

Somehow, this is my first Tracy Anne Warren book. I know - unbelievable. You'd think I would have come across her in one of my Avon HR binges before now, but it appears that her series catchphrase -- Everyone knows the Byron brothers are "mad, bad and dangerous." -- discouraged me. Shocking, I know. 

The Byron brother in At the Duke's Pleasure, Edward, the Duke of Clybourne, is hardly dangerous, but I consider him abso-fucking-lutely mad for putting up with the heroine, Lady Claire. Just take a list of the most annoying HR tropes, and Claire has a hand in almost all of them. Is this a secret time travel novel? That's the only thing that could explain why she acts like a spoiled, impetuous 16-year-old. 

Basically, Edward and Claire have been engaged since she was an infant. It's an arranged marriage, you see, which is what just about everyone back in the day did to create powerful family alliances. As a teenager, Claire is thrilled to be engaged to Edward, because fuck yeah, he's hot AND a duke. She may as well have seen a unicorn using the Loch Ness Monster as a raft for all the more common hot and available dukes actually were. Edward, for his part, is less than thrilled because he feels like he's engaged to a child. A besotted 15-year-old Claire overhears Edward saying as much and is naturally heartbroken. 

Whatever. She's a kid. By the time she grows up, I'm sure she'll understand what marriage is like in her time. 

What reality did to my expectations.

Right. So, Edward comes back several years later to retrieve his bride. Claire's blossomed into a refined beauty, and she's been raised to be a duchess, so he figures it's a win-win. Note to Avon heroes: NEVER assume it's a win-win. 

While Claire is older, she is not wiser. Still consumed with love for Edward, she decides she simply CAN'T marry him if he doesn't love her back. God, I hate this story line. But Edward won't release her from the engagement because it would make them both look bad and inconvenience his carefully arranged plans. So Claire goes to her dad, an earl who is quite pleased with the match, and asks him to release her from the betrothal. And her dad is like:

Thus, Claire agrees to go to London to "get to know" Edward as his fiancee while quietly scheming way to convince him to jilt her.

To recap: Claire wants the man she loves to jilt her. 

Now that you know what a hare-brained idiot we're working with, I'm sure it's easy for you to see how implausible this story will be. 

Claire has younger sisters. All they really have to do in life is get married and create heirs. And I get it, the past sucked donkey balls. But this is the world Claire lives in, and she pisses all over it. How marriageable do you think Claire's sister will be after...

She dances THREE TIMES at a ball with a man who's well-known for ruining another young lady, smokes cigars with noblemen, openly defies her fiance in public, races carriages in broad daylight, gambles with gentlemen, cuts all of her hair off, DRESSES AS A BOY TO SNEAK INTO A GENTLEMEN'S CLUB AND GAMBLE SOME MORE (this one irritated me the most), and leaves a ball with the bad man who ruins lady.

Sure, all of these things would usually cause a man to cry off, but they would also RUIN you and your family and bring into question the character of the people who associate with you. Claire lives in this fantasy world where all she has to do is drive away the man she loves (I know, the logic hurts) and go back to living her respectable little life in middle-of-nowhere England. I'm pretty confident that every Jane Austen novel ever has established that life wasn't that damn simple back then. 

Edward, bless his stupid little heart, refuses to jilt his spirited bride. He just soaks up all of the scandal with his name and title and goes to great lengths to appease her. But can he appease her with the love she really wants? 

I refuse to answer that question.

For all of its character flaws, the book is incredibly readable. BAVR was entertained the whole time, and that's a feat in itself. Warren writes a steamy love scene, and despite the fact that I think Claire will send Edward to an early grave, their chemistry is believable. 

To be honest, I'd rather wade in the sea of HR WTFery than read any contemporary or new adult romances at present, so At the Duke's Pleasure was sort of a treat. If Claire had been any less stupid, I may have rated it higher than 2.5 stars. 

But here's some good news for Warren: I'll be reading the next book in the series. Avon Soup is my favorite comfort food, after all. >:D

"At the Duke's Pleasure" is a part of my http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/6303796?shelf=care-package-ageddon Care-Package-Ageddon series of book reviews in gratitude to my GR friend Karla for sending me a GIANT BOX O'BOOKS. She said I "might" like some of them. o_O

"Allow me, mundanes," said Jace, setting her aside gently. He took his stele out of his pocket and put it to the door. Simon watched him with some resentment. No amount of vampire babies, Clary suspected, was ever going to make him like Jace.

Also, he's so obviously in love with you. There's absolutely no reason why Clary shouldn't be able to see this. 

Jesus Christ, I feel like I've been dropped into a bad episode of Dawson's Creek.

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