A Lady Of Expectations - Stephanie Laurens Is it too harsh to say that A Lady of Expectations is a waste of paper? It isn't even a flaming pile of poo - that would give it too much personality. It's nothing. It's a blank maw of cliches. It's the color beige without the convenient color template options.

A Lady of Expectations is likely the most boring book I've ever been obligated to finish. Fuck this book. My time is worth SO MUCH MORE than what this Jane Austen Fanwank Tribute Piece gave me.

Moving on.

THE STORY:

Jack Lester (of the unfortunate surname that NEVER FAILED to bring "child molester" to my mind because patterns and stuff) has a boring conversation with his brother and buddies about how he needs a wife and wants one he can grow to love like his friend did with Jack's sister in the first book of the "Lester Family Saga". Never has the word "saga" been so misused. Anyway, Jack goes to a ball and immediately gloms on to Sophie Winterton, a lady of little money with a paleontologist papa, like mold on a month-old salad. Sophie's living with her well-to-do relatives. Her father is never mentioned except to note that he's a paleontologist, which apparently makes Sophie special. Sophie and Jack share a host of tedious interactions, always interspersed with the "fascinating" stories of the clown car of secondary characters, and fall in mutual love.

Alas, they face a major problem! Sophie thinks that Jack is poor and therefore refuses to marry him. She doesn't want to bring him down with her dirty, filthy poverty (paraphrasing). At first, Jack can't figure out why she's resisting his Class A Creeper methods of courting. She eventually throws a fit and says, "We have no money. People without money never marry each other. It simply isn't DONE (in my stupid imagination)." And Jack's like, "I have lots of money. Tons of it. I'm extravagantly wealthy. Sometimes I pay to have a servant coated in gold prepare me a bath of money, and we laugh and laugh."

Does Sophie believe him? OF COURSE NOT. Because she's fucking dumb. Dumber than a box of rocks. Dumber than I was for wasting one of my Care-Package-Ageddon DNFs on a book that wasn't as soul-gratingly awful as this one. So, yeah. Sophie's all, "Nuh uh. You're just lying to get me to marry you so we can be poor forever together. I'm onto your tricks, Jack Lester." In the meantime, the clown car of secondary characters just priming for their OWN godawful books continue to fill the story with inconsequential yimmering and yammering in ballrooms, dining rooms, parks, open fields, drawing rooms, anywhere that isn't the least bit interesting, etc. Will Sophie ever get a clue? Will Jack ever stop being creepy?

AN ILLUSTRATION OF THE PLOT IN THIS BOOK:

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THE CHARACTERS:

I think it's already clear how I feel about Sophie "Me Teh Dumbz" Winterton. Jack is a great deal smarter than Sophie, because in the Lester Family's fucking SAGA, all the men are totes intelligent with their penises and lack of fleshy breasts. Unfortunately, Jack's intelligence is overshadowed by his creeper tendencies. He's constantly following Sophie around town (2 towns, actually), insinuating himself in her affairs, calling her his "golden head" ALL THE TIME in his mind, and calling her "my dear" ALL THE TIME to her face. If you want to get a firm grasp on how creepy Jack is, read the following quote.

From an alcove by the steps, shielded by a potted palm, Jack kept a brooding watch over his golden head until the last note had sounded and the last would-be suitors had been dismissed.


I rest my case.

THE ROMANCE:

Sucks.

This story of nothing actually could have been better with a healthy dose of sexxorz. I would have tolerated even disgusting, awkward sex to break up the monotony of rich people discussing rich people problems while being lavishly rich. There's no sex. Just a couple kisses, one boob fondle, and a fade-to-black love scene with less passion than a grapefruit.

THE WRITING:

Since Laurens is still writing what I can only assume is more tepid, Jane Austen inspired word vomit, I suppose that her writing isn't a problem with other, far kinder readers. Personally, I didn't care for the repetition of THINGS REGENCY PEOPLE PROBABLY SAID, nor did I think the "plot" was in any way worthwhile. It's pages full of meandering bullshit to me. The main characters don't grow. Nothing happens. No sex. Beige, I tell you. Beige.

To put it briefly, I didn't like this book.

A Lady of Expectations is a part of my Care-Package-Ageddon series of book reviews in gratitude to my GR friend Karla for sending me a GIANT BOX O'BOOKS. She said I "might" like some of them. o_O