The Tutor (Harlequin Blaze, #552) - Hope Tarr I have a serious case of book amnesia with this one, and I only finished it yesterday. Despite that, I have to write a review because this was a Hope Tarr Buddy Read, and Sarah will KILL me if I "forget" to write one. Life is HARD sometimes, you guyzzzzz!

So ... some stuff definitely happened in this book. Seriously. There were words, and things happened. Was I particularly entertained or inspired by the things and stuff and words? Not really. The Tutor isn't awful or anything, just boring to my tastes. I put it down about 3/4 in and avoided it for over a week until Sarah told me I had to finish because we had a deal and blah, blah, blah. Reading the last 1/4 wasn't that hard, so I probably shouldn't have put it off for so long. I just never felt any sense of urgency to find out what happened to the characters.

In short, this is The Tutor as I read it:


Ralph the Former Street Urchin: Woe is me. I have a capable Wang of Love but can't use it because the woman I love is so far above me!

*Pages of endless pouting*

Beatrice the Boring Lady: Time to get married to a premature ejaculator with whom I share no discernible chemistry. But before I tie the knot with Lame Dick, I'm going to "learn about the sexxorz" from the hot guy who does my brother-in-law's paperwork and gives me doe eyes all the time. This plan cannot go wrong. *offers her nubile flesh to Ralph*

Ralph: *eagerly pulls out the copy of the Kama Sutra that he's been reading like a fiend because no one's vagina but Beatrice's will do* Well, we can try this. And this. Oh, and this will really get your juices flowing.

The Juices: *flow* We're flowing. Oh, how we're flowing.

The Sexxorz: *happen* We're uninspired but JUICY!

Ralph: This means more to me than sex, but I must pretend I just want to bone her because I'm unworthy of anything more.

Beatrice: This means more to me than sex, but I must pretend I just want his Wang of Love because I have a totally boring guy waiting to marry me in London and give me no orgasms for the rest of my life.

The Juices: We'll just keep flowing to keep you from falling asleep!

Me: Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Innocent Horse: *dies in cheap plot device* Neiiiiggghhhh ... X_X

Beatrice: Fuck it. I can't live a life without orgasms. I'm going to break off my engagement and not tell Ralph about it for, like, 20 pages because we'll never reach the word count in this thing if we wrap up the story too soon.

Ralph: WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? I'M JUST A FILTHY COMMONER FROM THE GUTTER. I SHALL NEVER BE WORTHY! *packs up belongings in a tizzy to make a "noble exit"*

Beatrice: Son of a bitch, he bolted? I guess I better FINALLY say something now. *interrupts Ralph's "noble exit" at the last minute* Love you, boo.

Ralph: Love you, too.

And the juices flowed happily ever after. The end.