Love Me Not - Warning: GIFs ahead!

Remember how Historical Romance was in the 90s, fellow readers? The teeth-pulling level tediousness of two characters hating each others' fucking guts until the last ten pages or so? But in the end, you can't even bitch about it because the pacing was done in such a way that there wasn't one moment when you weren't entertained? Love Me Not reminded me of all that! I'm loving the 90s right now from the sheer nostalgia factor. I want to pack the 90s up in a fuzzy little box and carry it with me forever. I want to feed the 90s cookies and margaritas and tell it how "awesome" it is. I want to make sweet little over-dramatic babies with the 90s and unleash them on the unsuspecting and jaded 21st century.

Thank you, Year of 1996, for leaving this little gem of history to be found and reviewed in 2012 by a woman who is SICK TO DEATH of reading about boring dumb people who do nothing. Reading about dumb people who perform a mesmerizing collection of stupid acts is much more preferable.

Did the characters' actions make even a modicum of sense? Not really. If I met them in real life, would I even grudgingly respect main characters Kathleen and Damien?


Of course not! Damien and Kathleen are so mind-bogglingly stupid about the simplest of things (like sex and what feelings feel like) that I sometimes wished a secondary character would traipse into the scene and bonk their heads together like bumper cars battling to the death until one of them grew a brain cell. The story is so unapologetic about the stupidity, though, that I started to develop a modicum of respect for it. "Be not ashamed of wonky narrative devices," the book proclaimed. "Are you not entertained?"

An Illustration of the Plot Stupidity in this Book

And I was entertained, curse me to hell and back. I was.

Despite that, there's always a drawback to the books from the glory days of Love/Hate Relationship meets Mind-Numbing Big Misunderstandings. The headache. And the way I have to admit to myself that the characters, rather than behaving organically, were forced to do ridiculous things to prolong the plot to infinity and beyond.

The Story in a Nutshell:

Girl and brother grow up with abusive dad who isn't really their dad until a group of Big Bad Dukes come in a banish the abusive dad to America. Girl bases her entire outlook on love on her pathetic little mother, who despite being a COUNTESS, spends her life picking up the sex crumbs of a cold, unfeeling duke as his mistress. This guy is the girl's real father. Eventually, girl meets hero but doesn't want to love him because love destroyed her mother and she JUST WANTS TO BE FREE, DAMN IT! Seriously fucked-in-the-head suitor decides to pursue heroine after just a glance and recruits the abusive dad all the way from America to force her into marriage. Hero realizes that the only way to protect heroine from a marriage to Creepy McCreepster and from the loss of her inheritance to daddy dearest is by marrying her FOR THE TIME BEING. Heroine flips shit every other page because SHE JUST WANTS TO BE FREE! Hero does nice things. HEROINE HATES HIM BECAUSE SHE ISN'T FREE! At some point, girl proves that she knows nothing about sex. Rachel laughs for a freaking day about it. Eventually, girl falls in love and finally settles the fuck down. But, OH NO! While he's up for bluffin' with her muffin, hero is not down with this LOVE talk. Angst ensues. Oh, and the crazy suitor acts crazy until the end.

Entertaining? Yes. Rational? No. This one gets a solid 3 stars.