Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer At this, the end of my tumultuous journey through the Twilight series, I thought that my expectations were as low as they could go. Yet somehow, SMeyer punched those expectations in the face and forced them into depths of awfulness I never knew existed outside of fan fiction websites. There is no nice way to say this: Breaking Dawn is a malicious attack against human intelligence, general goodness, and common sense. It stole several hours of my valuable time, and I don't think I'll ever forgive it for that.

Thank you, SMeyer, for the blistering headache and the long moments spent staring blindly at the text saying, "Really? REALLY? Good god, these must be the End Times! Damn kids."

So, much to my chagrin (lol), let's get to the summary.

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella and Edward's epically boring wedding fast approaching. Bella hates weddings. She hates dresses and clothes and stuff that requires emotion. Edward bought her some type of car that can deflect rockets (or some such nonsense) for her birthday, and she hates that, too. Doesn't he understand how draining it is to have no personality? Alice, the Manic Pixie Wedding Planner, dresses Bella and forces the ungrateful twit to have a good time at HER OWN WEDDING. Bella and Edward tie the knot, and the whole affair is excruciating and painful. Jacob leaves his pity party traipsing through the forest for a few minutes to attend the wedding reception and tries to talk Bella out of A) sexing up Eddie and B) becoming a vampire, in that order. But Bella's entire raision d'etre for the last 3 books has been acquiring the skills to sex up Eddie, so off the newlyweds go on their honeymoon. Once there, they have some of the most disgusting sex imaginable, and all of a sudden, Bella starts craving food and throwing up at weird times. This leads to a strange scene with her counting tampons (you have no idea how much I wish this was a figment of my imagination) on the bathroom floor and coming to the realization that OMG she's pregrant with Edward's demon spawn! Paging Dr. Cullen, Rosemary's having a Baby in 3 ... 2 ...

There's no way I can give this review without massive spoilers. The WTF-ery is just too severe for secrets. You've been warned. Read on at your own risk.


1. The Wedding: Bella is officially the least charming wedding narrator of all time. I'm pretty sure she spends the entire walk up the aisle grimacing. She complains about dressing up, the decorations, the people, the very act of waking up and breathing every morning. For crying out loud, Bella, no one's making you marry your effeminate sparkle-pire! But golly gee, why would she fight dear Eddie's wishes when she's so unworthy and plain and clumsy and unworthy and human? Because if there's one thing we haven't learned in the past 50 years, it's that women don't need to marry straight out of high school to be happy. Sorry, Bella. My mistake.

2. The Honeymoon: After a round of fade-to-black sex that still inexplicably managed to activate my gag reflex, Bella wakes up COVERED IN BRUISES AND FEATHERS. Feathers from the pillows Edward bit during the act *snicker* in his "passion." Now, forgive me if this makes me seem naive, but what the heck kind of sex were they having? Bruises? Broken headboards? FEATHERS? Edward's a 100-year-old virgin, for god's sake. I doubt he would have lasted more than 2 minutes. Tops. How did he do all that damage? And of course, Bella LOVED every minute of their crazy destructive sex and begs Eddie for more. But he's all ashamed of his "passion" and refuses to put out for the rest of the honeymoon until Bella cries and cries and begs. So romantic.

3. The Pregnancy: SMeyer foreshadows the living crap out of Bella's pregnancy. Hmmm. What on earth would make her eat those weird things? Why's she so queasy? What? A mildly prophetic dream about ... babies? That must be a sign they'll be having chicken for dinner. Don't even get me started on the impossibility of Bella's pregnancy. According to Twilight-lore right up to the part where SMeyer was like, "F it. I want babies. Let's write babies," all of Eddie's bodily fluids have been replaced with venom. Rosalie goes into detail in Eclipse about how sad she is because vampires can't pro-create. But nope. Bella can carry Eddie's demon spawn because they're special. Since the baby is half-vampire, its birth is guaranteed to kill Bella. This is where the book goes down a rocky morality path that left me face-palming at a rapid rate. Naturally, Edward and Carlisle are all like, "Baby kill Bella. We kill baby first and save Bella." But Bella, who has shown no indication of wanting children up to this moment, decides that it's her great purpose in life to give birth to an abomination. Since Rosalie really, REALLY wants babies, too, the women gang up on the men and insist that Demon Spawn lives. Are your eyes melting yet? They should be ...

4. Jacob Tells a Story: The middle portion of the story is told from Jacob's perspective. It consists of Jacob being VERY ANGRY about Bella's impending doom, Jacob running around the forest in wolf form and insulting Leah (the only cool person in the entire series), and Jacob hanging out with the Cullen cult and watching Bella die very slowly. Fascinating times. Jacob also inflicts a collection of awful blonde jokes on Rosalie that could only have been written by a brunette with strange and out-dated prejudices about hair color (SMeyer). It's all very boring until ...

5. The Birth Scene: In the middle of the birth scene, I put down the book, walked outside, and said to my husband, "This book I'm reading ... is the strangest thing I've ever seen. I can't ... there are no words." After pages and pages of prose about Bella's growing pregancy, she finally gives birth to the little bugger. It totally maims Bella, breaking her back, cracking all her ribs, CHEWING ITS WAY OUT OF HER BELLY. Edward, who's always had a fetish for Bella's blood, joins in on the fun and aids his demon flesh out by tearing Bella's pesky skin out of the way with is teeth. This is how romance dies, ladies and gentlemen.

6. Renesmee: Yes, that is Demon Spawn's real name. Renesmee. Just roll that around in the mouth a few times for good measure. Bad, right? Yep. At this point, it would have been a blessing if Renesmee was just a normal baby. Imagining Bella and Edward changing dirty diapers on next to no sleep is actually amusing. But no, let's just go into complete fantasy land and make her the most special, most perfect baby of all time. She can communicate by simply touching people! She grows super fast! She'll be mature enough to have her own demon babies by the time she's SEVEN! And speaking of which ...

7. Jacob Imprints on Renesmee: Queasy yet? Every infant daughter would adore being bound for life to her mommy's sloppy seconds. No book is complete without a little squicky pedophilia. And at this point in the book, my mouth was in a permanent gaping position. It just kept getting worse, and there was MORE ahead!

8. Bella the Vampire: After 3 1/2 books of reading about how pathetic Bella is, the reader is treated to Mary Sue Cullen, the bestest vampire who's ever been a vampire. She's super beautiful (because that's all that really matters). She controls her uncontrollable bloodlust (even though that's supposed to be impossible). She has tons of bed breaking sex with Eddie (because ... ew!). She ends up saving everyone from the spineless Volturi simply by being a vapid thing with some type of love shield that makes them impenetrable. I thought that Bella's whining was the worst thing ever, but her bragging nearly sent me over the edge.

9. Vampire Convention at the Cullen Compound: Suddenly, the Cullens accumulate a bunch of friends and invite them all to Forks to "witness" on their behalf when the Volturi arrive. Out of the blue, all of the vampires have special gifts. Some of them are X-Men-ish, while others are super lame. For example, Esme's gift is her ability to mother all of the grown adults / children Carlisle's abducted throughout the years. Poor Esme. All the vampires stand around and display their awesome vampire powers and talk about how awesome it is to be an awesome vampire, and of course, Bella and Renesmee are the most awesome of all.

10. In the End, NOTHING HAPPENS: The Volturi finally show up, Bella saves the day, and nobody dies. They get to keep Renesmee until she grows to the ripe age of 7 and can shack up with Jacob. Bella and Edward get to live in their storybook cottage in Forks together FOREVER. Peace to all and to all a good night. Oh! And Bella figures out how to let Edward read her mind. No sacrifice. No progress. Just saccharine sugar-shock. This is how not to write a story, folks. Remember that.

HONORABLE MENTION: When Edward wants Bella to abort the baby, he asks Jacob to offer his "services" (aka - werewolf lovin') and make babies with his wife. And Jacob TAKES HIM UP ON IT. Bella refuses, to her credit, but she isn't the least bit creeped out by the heavy-handed behavior of the men in her life. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

So that's it. I've reviewed the entire Twilight series, and I can't say that reliving the ordeal has been a pleasure. At least I can laugh about it now. Bella Swan probably hates laughter. Too much feeling involved in that. That makes me feel better already.