No Regrets - Michele Ann Young No Regrets has the dubious honor of featuring the most annoying heroine I've encountered since Bella Swan. Yay ... Small victories ... This poor book is a cliche-ridden fiesta of magnificent proportions. Everything is thrown into the convoluted plot, including the proverbial kitchen sink. I don't think I liked a single character in this book. If they didn't singularly offend me, then I don't remember them. This is bad. Very bad. And that's sad, because perhaps with a quarter of the plot tumors, No Regrets wouldn't have been awful. It could have been respectable.

Alas! Some things are never meant to be. I have major regrets about reading this book, and they all start with the plot.

So Caroline something or other is a frumpy-dumpy dumpling of a woman who will never marry because she's so frumpy and undesirable and WORTHLESS. Except that she will because her HAWT childhood friend (so we're told) Lucas, Lord Foxhaven, needs a wife, like, yesterday, and he happens to find good ol' Caro's curves all the rage. So the slutty scoundrel and the long-suffering martyr with certifiable self-esteem issues marry and spend the rest of the torturously long story making stupid decisions and being horrible people.

Let's go over the plot tumors in list form, eh? (SPOILERS AHOY!!!)
1. Spinster with the self-awareness of a gnat resists marriage to gorgeous boy she's loved since 4-eva ago.
2. Slutty scoundrel forces spinster friend into marriage for money. (It's always money with these guys.) Oh, and they're supposed to go a year or something without a scandal.
3. Self-flaggellation and self-imposed abstinence make horny guy horny. Also: Hero spends large quantities of time building a school for poor young boys to play music. Because nothing changes the course of poverty like encouraging young people to become famous musicians!
4. Miraculous makeover makes the frumpy-dumpy dumpling a swan.
5. Sexin'.
6. Nefarious villain is nefarious but still manages to trick the supposedly "intelligent" heroine. He encourages her to fall in with a bad crowd.
7. Uncomfortable cousin-on-cousin flirting.
8. Evil former mistress is evil.
10. "My husband doesn't really love me! This is a fate worse than death!"
11. "My wife just ran out on me! But I LOVE her, even though she's done everything under the sun to cause a scandal because she doesn't understand she lives in Regency England. WTF?"
12. Society hijinks in France.
....... Oh, there's still more .......
13. Reformed Rake finds his wife and decides to court her again.
14. Wife disappears.
15. Kidnapped by her cousin, heroine realizes that she's fallen into her own web of idiocy and can't get out. Evil villain / cousin stows her away in a castle and pledges to marry her.
16. Hero makes a pathetic attempt at a rescue, but card-carrying villain sniffs him out and traps him in a dungeon. Yes. A Dungeon.
17. Somehow, heroine comes up with a plan to rescue her husband. I don't know. My mind went kind of numb by this point.
18. RESCUE! Time to return to England like nothing stupid just happened!
19. I think the music school for boy pick-pockets happens. Probably.

Now, imagine having to read about all of that nonsense through the eyes of people you don't even like. Caro is horrible in the book. Just horrible. She has a debillitating martyr complex, which makes her do ridiculous things. Caro loves Lucas to distraction, but she decides to get a divorce. A divorce? Like it was supposed to be as easy as choosing a teacake for luncheon. And then she takes off to another country with a VIRTUAL STRANGER and acts all wounded about her husband not loving her. And Lucas is just as bad. He's really a decent guy, but because he refuses to actually talk to his wife about where he's taking off to all the time, she flees the coop. By the end, I was kind of hoping the villain would off the main characters and put them out of their misery. Not a good reaction to have when reading a romance novel.

Also: A music school for under-privileged boys. That is Lucas' big secret. Ack, I think I just got a cavity!